Sometimes life offers us a unique gift – the opportunity to see ourselves in a way we do not often get the chance to truly see. I find that life has offered me that opportunity and I have embraced it, and in doing so I find I want to share something with you. I know many things were said that should have never been said, and much was never said that should have been and I know that’s all in the past. I know you will likely never read this, or even see it, but I find myself brazened to share it anyway.
I have learned many, many things about myself in the last 3 years, but in the last 3 months, I have learned more than in all those years combined. One of the most significant things I have learned… well, I should say accepted (because I already knew it) about myself is that I base my happiness on the happiness of those I love and let into my life. My ability to thrive rests on the shoulders of my mate.
Now, that is not something I am proud of. There’s no bragging rights here! It is something I will need to change about myself if I am to be truly happy in life. I know that.
I could go into all the reasons that this is true in my life… It’s my need to take care of others; it’s the fact that I am an empath; my mother is exactly the same and it’s something I learned from her; so on and so forth. But the reality is it is who I have always been and I want to say to you that I am sorry for that part of me, for it led me to see that our lives were not as they should be.
No, this is not a moment of weakness, or even of regret for the choices I made for they have led me to where I am at today and I cannot be sorry for that. I also see you healthier and happier, so I cannot look back and think that the choices that got made were not for the best.
However, I do want to say a few things. You were a wonderful husband. You are a wonderful man with a heart I admire. Those are words you need to hear.
I know that you set much of your life, your happiness aside for me. That you strived to give up the things that made you happy so that I could be happy. I know that because I watched the path as it unfolded. Although the end of that journey is not one that I would ever wish to relive, and there is much hurt on all sides that needs to be healed, I want you to know that I see how hard you tried to be what I needed. The irony of it is that what I needed was…. for you to find your own happiness, giving me the freedom to be happy as well.
And that is what I want to apologize for, that should have never rested on your shoulders.
That is and should have been mine to worry about.
All the rest of it…. I know there are things on both sides that we both would change, that we both find difficult to reason through, that we point the finger and accuse. However, I think the risk of all of that is that there’s no peace at the end of that journey. There is no way to travel that path and find life and joy. Despite all the hurt and all the pain, there is so much good in both of us. Our lives crossed for a reason, and I am grateful everyday for that. For you being in my life.
You brought a great deal of joy to my life. You taught me so much. You gifted my world with love for many years. I will never regret that. I am grateful for you.
So, I simply want to say these words to you… I am sorry that I asked you to carry the burden of happiness that should have been mine to carry. I am sorry that my happiness rested on your shoulders – on your happiness. By doing that I asked you to be responsible for my contentment in life, which led to discontentment on both sides.